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Tuesday, November 1, 2011

My Writings: Autumn Leaves

(I wrote this when I was about 15-16yo.  I was raised in -- what I call -- a christian-taliban family; Very devout, and very politically active fundamentalist christians.  I was sincere and devout myself, but my spirit gasped for air as I was struggling alone, without a solitary gay friend or mentor, or a sympathetic ear from the church.  These were my torments as I tried to come to terms with my sexuality and where it left me in the grand scheme of things)


GOD HAS BECOME LIKE THE AUTUMN LEAVES...SOMETHING LONGED FOR, A DREAM, AND A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT TO SEE, BUT DRY AND COLD...WITHOUT LIFE.

SOMEHOW IT ALL SEEMS SO WRONG.  IT MUST BE AN ILLUSION, BUT DAMN IT, IT FEELS SO REAL.  THE WINDS ARE COLD AND THEY CUT SO DEEP.  I’M SO ALONE, BUT WHY?  FREEDOM, WHERE DOES YOUR SUN RISE, YOUR NIGHT IS SO LONG.  STILL I SEEK --- BUT I KNOW NOT WHY!

PEACE HAS ELUDED ME.  WHAT I THOUGHT I SAW, WAS JUST AN ILLUSION.  IT’S ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY FOR ME...YESTERDAY WAS AN ILLUSION OF THE DAY THAT WENT BEFORE, AND DREAMS ARE WISHFUL MEMORIES OF DAYS STILL LOCKED IN STORE.  FOREVER IN THE MOMENT, STILL I DREAM --- BUT WHY?

IN A VOID BETWEEN MAN AND GOD, WORTHY OF NEITHER AND BLAMED BY BOTH.  ALONE, NATURALLY.  WHY DO I FEEL I MUST FIGHT?  I’LL STILL BE ALONE IN THE END...FIGHTING THESE BATTLES NOT SURE I CAN WIN.  IT’S SPITE, I GUESS...AGAINST GOD OR MAN OR WHATEVER --- (MYSELF)!?  I MUST NOT LET THEM THINK THEY’VE WON, THOUGH IT SEEMS SO SURE I’LL LOSE.  I’LL DIE IN THE EFFORT, THAN LET THEM LIVE IN THE VICTORY.

ALL THE FIGHTING AND PAIN, DISCIPLINE AND SHAME...ALONE NO LESS.  WAS IT ALL JUST A LONELY AND CONFUSED HEART CRYING OUT FOR TRUTH AND PURPOSE, AND IN THE FACE OF REALIZING A DARK AND LONELY VOID, CREATED IN DESPERATION ITS OWN IMAGE OF THE PEACE IT STRIVED SO LONG TO HOLD.

THIS “JESUS” --- ANOTHER ILLUSION!?  STILL, A NOBLE THING TO STRIVE FOR, I GUESS.  BUT DID HE EVER REALLY CARE.  WAS HE EVER REALLY THERE...AND WHERE AM I ???

I’VE GOT TO KEEP FIGHTING.  I CAN’T QUIT.  I’VE GOT TO BELIEVE IN SOMETHING...EVEN IF IT IS JUST AN ILLUSION.

SO I DREAM AND SEEK, BUT I KNOW NOT WHY

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